With December already upon us and the holiday season in full swing, it is a happy and joyous time for many, but unfortunately, not for all. This year, my heart is heavy for several of our close friends facing very difficult and challenging situations this season with health, with relationships, and with loss.
For LGBTQ people in particular, the holidays can be an especially difficult time of year. Many have lost relationships with family or friends as a result of their sexual orientation or gender identity. And those who have maintained relationship with family members often still experience a relational strain that lingers in their family interactions, making holidays with family just as challenging as for those without family.
Maybe that comes from rejection, or from tension with loved ones, or from ultimatums that say they are welcome at holiday gatherings but their same-sex partner or spouse is not. Each of these situations cause pain, feelings of not really belonging, and emptiness where the celebration should be.
So I’m challenging you this Christmas, if you know or have an LGBTQ person in your sphere of influence, to reach out to them in one of the following ways this year and add some joy to their holiday season:
1. Send them a Christmas card.
Ok, so it doesn’t have to have a rainbow on it. In fact, it’s probably better if it doesn’t! But something as simple as sending a card with a hand written inscription at Christmas time can make your LGBTQ friend feel loved.
For years, I’ve always put the Christmas cards I’ve received on the back of my front door. It was a tradition in my family growing up that I’ve continued on into adulthood. But since coming out, the number of cards I’ve received has fluctuated over the years. Some years, there’s not been many at all. And in those times, it’s often a painful reminder of just how many people I’ve lost due to being authentic about who I am. Still, each time I open the mailbox to see a personalized Christmas card to me, I light up inside like a little kid. And for the LGBTQ person receiving your card, being remembered will undoubtedly make them feel loved too.
2. Invite them to join your family on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.
Yes, it may mean that someone new is in your home at Christmas. And it may be a little different than what you are used to. But just realize that if you don’t invite that LGBTQ person, they may not have anywhere to go. Oh, they may pretend they have plans or pass it off like it is not a big deal, or it’s not as painful as it really is…but deep inside, they’re longing and looking for a family to fit into for the holidays.
For me, when we don’t have a plan for the holidays, my anxiety escalates. The unknown makes me uneasy. Once we have a plan in place, it wanes and I feel more at ease. Some years we’ve been successful at arranging plans and we’ve had a great Christmas. Other years it has been very lonely. We make the best of whatever it is and create new and fun traditions whenever possible, but that doesn’t erase the pain that can accompany the fact that it is just the two of us alone on Christmas day.
3. Call them on Christmas Eve and/or Christmas Day.
Let’s face it, sending a text is nice, but it’s not the same as when someone takes the time to pick up the phone and call you. Yes, the holidays are a busy time for you and your family, but think of your LGBTQ friend who may not have anyone (or may only have their spouse) to share the holiday with. If they’ve been completely rejected by their family, it is quite possible that nobody calls, nobody comes by with gifts or handmade goodies, and nobody joins them for Christmas dinner. What my wife and I have found is that, even with our friends with whom we are the closest, when it comes to the actual holi-day almost everyone still has somewhere to go. That means that our house is often quite and calm as we celebrate together what the two of us have. A phone call from you could brighten up an otherwise very quiet day.
I’ll never forget the time my adopted Nana called me on my wife and I’s 1-year wedding anniversary. It was so very thoughtful for her to remember me and make the time to pick up the phone and call to congratulate us. It reminded me of something my mom would have done if she was around and it made me feel special and like someone cared enough to remember our special day. Small things really do go a long way.
4. Send them a care package.
If you’re making up a stocking or care package to send to one of your kids (or even if you’re not!) put together a little Christmas box of goodies and stocking stuffers and mail it to them. Go to the store and have a little fun picking out some little trinkets for them, or hop on Amazon and have it shipped directly to their house (you could even include a copy of Refocusing My Family!). Amazon makes it super easy and convenient (you don’t even have to get out of your pj’s!) and I promise you’ll make their day.
When I returned from one of my tour trips last year, there was an unexpected box at my house. It was from a Mama Bear. She had made me a blanket by hand as part of the Banner Blanket Project (a project started to make and send blankets to LGBTQ kids who have been rejected by their families) and sent it my way. When I opened it, I cried. It was the first thoughtful gift like that I had received in years and I felt so very loved. I wrapped myself up in the blanket that night and felt truly loved by a Mom for the first time in a very, very long time.
Little gifts make a big difference. Thoughtfulness goes a long way.
Because Love Makes All the Difference,
Amber Cantorna
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As a young girl, I was part of a girls group we fondly called the Green Gable Girls (a reflection of our favorite story, Anne of Green Gables). It started when I was in the second grade and continued all the way until I graduated high school. Over time, I have lost touch with a number of those girls for varying reasons, but since coming out, I’ve been able to rekindle a healthy adult relationship with three of them who have all been supportive of my relationship with my wife.
One of these girls and I didn’t reconnect until after my wife and I got married, but we had the honor of attending her wedding in the fall of 2016. While at the wedding, I saw my friend’s parents (who were close family friends growing up) for the first time since coming out. They’ve been nothing but kind to both Clara and I since getting reconnected and at the wedding, her dad even admitted through misty eyes, “I don’t understand, but I love you.” That right there opened the door for deeper conversation, and so, the rekindling of a friendship with them began.
We live in different states, so the start of our renewed relationship mostly happened via Facebook as we got acquainted with where each other was in life. But when when I booked a tour stop in their hometown, they offered to let me stay with them, and I accepted. I had no idea how healing that weekend was going to end up being, both for them and for me. In the week leading up to my visit, they wrote me and said, “We read your book and it has completely changed our mind on LGBT people and the church.”
In the couple short days we had together, we spent many hours in deep, rich conversation about life and faith, we asked questions, we began catching up on the many years of life we’d been out of touch for, and they lent their support by attending both my events in the area that weekend. For me, this is my favorite tour story so far.
I’ve heard many powerful stories of how my book has changed people’s lives and families, and each one has touched my heart, but because this story is so personal to me and the journey I’ve walked, it has made it that much more healing for my soul.
I don’t have many stories like this, so for me, it was a bit of a Christmas miracle.
2017 has divided our country and its people in so very many ways. So many families torn because they stand on opposite political parties and so many harmful things done in the name of what’s “right” and “godly.” We need more redemptive stories like this one I’ve written about here. We need more relationships restored and more hearts healed.
But while we work (and sometimes wait) for those to happen, let me leave you with the inspiring words of this Christmas hymn…
This last Monday, I watched The Voice finale as each of the finalists gave stunning performances. But when Brooke Simpson sang “O Holy Night,” the lyrics to the second verse grabbed my heart and anchored me with a fresh dose of hope. The words reflected a much more accurate view of who I believe Jesus is and what the gospel represents (or should represent) in our world today:
Oh how our world needs this kind of hope: a hope where the message that we speak is one of peace (not distension), where the law of our lives is love, and where all oppression ceases as a result of our radical and Christ-like inclusion of one another.
And so as we go into the Christmas weekend, may the lyrics to that verse anchor your heart as well, and may the miracle of Christmas through Christ’s birth make its way even deeper into our everyday lives in the coming year.
Because Love Makes All the Difference,
Amber Cantorna
*To see Brooke’s performance of O Holy Night on The Voice finale, click HERE.
]]>As this year nears its end and we enter into the Christmas weekend, I wanted to take just a few minutes to tell you about what we’ve accomplished in 2017. Since the release of Refocusing My Family in October, we have traveled 9,714 miles, and conducted 15 Refocusing My Family speaking events in over 12 cities nation-wide.
During our travels, one thing has become very clear: this story needs to be told. Between the people we’ve met on tour at our events and the hundreds of emails, Facebook messages, and friend requests I’ve received, I’ve heard a lot of personal stories. Many of them are stories of heartbreak, of feared rejection, or of a desperate need for hope.
We’ve even had people travel as far as 4 hours to attend one of our events because they were so desperate to meet someone like them and find a beacon of hope to cling to.
Here’s what just a few people are saying about Refocusing My Family:
“Reading “Refocusing My Family” has changed my life and helped me better understand my child. I don’t feel so alone on this path now.” –Julie T.
“Never have I read a book that brought me so much hope before. Reading Amber’s story, and coming into the realization that there’s someone else out there who gets what I’ve gone through, was such an amazing experience.” –Anonymous reader
“I read this book without putting it down. This is a must read!” –Cynthia S.
“This book made me feel less alone. It made me see that it is indeed possible to love both God and my wife. This story will without a doubt save people’s lives when they need hope most.” –Anonymous reader
“I was captivated from the first page. The life story that Amber shares will challenge some and encourage others. It is a story of faith, loss, restoration, and perseverance. It’s an inside look into the experiences and thought processes of one in the midst of their own personal coming out story. A must-read for allies and LGBT people alike!” –Christina
“This is one of the best books I have read on the subject of LGBTQ. It truly does resonate with me and so many others that understand where Amber has come from. I highly recommend this book.” –Mother of LGBT child
“Thank you, thank you, thank you! As a former Christian and homeschooler myself, reading about your experience was real and powerful.” –Anonymous reader
This is why we do what we do. We do it to make people feel less isolated in their journey, to let them know they are fully loved by God just as they are, and to provide them, not only with a story to relate to, but a beacon of hope to which they can cling as they also work to reconcile their faith with their sexuality.
Yet there are still so many people who need to hear this message. People have written from Canada, from France, from Australia, and from Greenland.
We currently have 10 additional tour events booked for early 2018, but are receiving requests from readers come to places like Texas (specifically Houston and Dallas), and Atlanta, as well as requests to add more New England, southern, and mid-western states. We want to be able to reach all of these regions with this message of hope and love and would also love to expand our tour to include Canada this year as well.
But we need people like you to partner with us in order to make this happen. We need people who are willing to plant seeds now, so that trees of life will grow this spring. Your financial partnership through a year-end gift can and will be cultivated to produce beautiful fruits of life, hope, peace, joy, and love in 2018. There are so many people whose hearts are hungry for these fruits of life.
So we are asking you to prayerfully consider sowing into the orchard of Beyond this season by making a tax-deductible year-end gift. We know the holidays are busy and that there are many worthy causes asking for your resources, but we would be honored if you would choose us as your year-end non-profit to which you contribute. We can only plant so many trees on our own, but together, we can produce an orchard that will change the way LGBT people experience love and help them embrace life to the fullest.
Whether your gift is $5, or $50, or $500, or $5,000 we thank each and every one of you in advance for your help in planting these seeds so that LGBT people of faith can have life. The holidays can be such a hard time for so very many LGBT people, but your generous gift could bring them hope in the New Year.
Merry Christmas to each of you!
Because LOVE makes all the difference,
Amber Cantorna
]]>Hey Friends!
The day we’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived! Refocusing My Family officially releases today and is now available (almost!) everywhere books are sold! You can go into your local bookstore, or place your order on Amazon today.
I’m so excited to finally share my journey with you in the form of this memoir. It’s been a labor of love and I’m so glad that it has finally turned into something tangible you can now hold in your hands and share with your friends.
If you have a moment, there are 4 ways you can help spread the word about Refocusing My Family:
Thank you again so much for all your support and encouragement! I read each review, each shout-out on social media, and each note of encouragement I receive and they all mean so much. I can’t wait to see where God is going to take us on this journey. Together we can make our world a more loving and safe place for us all to live.
Because Love Makes All the Difference,
Amber Cantorna
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I sat with that profound statement and let it resonate for a moment. It felt like God in human form had just spoken to me. It was a divine moment that confirmed what I already felt I was supposed to do with the story I’d been given. Struck with both the weight of that responsibility and the magnitude of it, that phrase repeated itself in my spirit for days. That’s how I knew it was God. And that’s how I knew it was time to tell my story.
It’s not an easy story to tell. Writing it has taken me on quite a journey. But I believe that part of the reason I’m still alive today is so that my story could be used to help change the culture for those still searching for hope to live authentically.
Lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth are four times more likely to attempt suicide than their straight peers, and LGB youth who come from highly rejecting families are over eight times more likely to attempt suicide compared to their LGB peers who report no or low levels of family rejection. 40 percent of transgender adults have reported attempting suicide with 92 percent of them doing so before the age of 25.
One of the driving forces behind writing this book was how close I came to being one of those statistics. The way family and friends respond to LGBT loved ones when they come out, directly affects their lives, and their perceived worth. I wish my parents understood that. It could have saved us all from so much heartache.
I’m so grateful for the life I have now and the joy I find in the family my wife and I are creating together. But looking back, I still think about my life in two parts: before coming out, and after coming out. In many ways, it feels like I’ve lived two completely different lives divided by one defining moment of authenticity. I’ve tried to blend those two worlds together whenever I can—like carrying on some of the traditions from my childhood. But when it comes to having my parents as a part of Clara’s and my life, I’ve had to allow myself grace to accept the uncomfortable disconnect and grieve the loss.
In many ways, I’m still the same person I’ve always been. I still love music and have a strong passion for worship. I still love the holidays and fostering traditions that make them special. I still love creating a cozy home and hospitable environment. I still enjoy coaching and have a deep heart for people. And I still cuddle up next to the fireplace every fall for an Anne of Green Gables marathon. Being gay is just one part of who I am, but so much of me remains the same.
And at the same time, because I have been ostracized by people who want my sexuality to define me, much of me has changed. I’ve had to fight for my relationship with God against a culture that says you can’t be both gay and Christian. I’ve had to study the Bible deeply for myself and learn how to defend my faith to those who question it. And I’ve had to look at issues through the eyes of the marginalized. I now stand with all people living in marginalized groups, whether I’m a part of them or not, because I believe that’s what Jesus did, and because I’ve seen firsthand what happens to people when we don’t. All of these things in turn have made me a stronger, healthier, and more well-rounded individual.
But in the process, I’ve also had to refocus a few things…
My mom and dad sat side by side, presenting a strong, cohesive force. They prefaced the conversation with, “Before we say anything, Amber, you need to know that we love you. But . . .” and so it began. I’m not sure why Christians always feel the need to preface their harsh words with, “I love you” before telling you that you’re wrong about something. The theory of tough love is a common one among Christians, and I’m sure Dobson’s support of that theory influenced my parents a great deal. When it comes to the gay community specifically, Dobson said, “We are obligated as Christians to treat homosexuals respectfully and with dignity, but we are also to oppose, with all vigor, the radical changes they hope to impose on the nation. It is vitally important that we do so.”
In the same article Dobson also denies having ever done or said anything that would be harmful to the gay community. But encouragement from evangelical leaders to implement a tough love approach has been severely detrimental to many LGBTQ people, causing them to feel like they have to change an innate part of themselves in order to be acceptable to God. “Speaking the truth in love” is often used as a free pass that allows Christians to say whatever they want. As a result, it has driven many away not only from the church, but from a relationship with God.
That’s what my parents were about to do: “speak the truth to me in love.”
“I feel like you’ve died, Amber—like I’ve lost you,” my dad began with a grievous look on his face. My mom agreed.
“I feel the same way. You’ve turned your back on God and everything we’ve ever taught you,” she stated with resolve. Everything I’d told them three weeks ago about how much time I spent seeking God and searching the Bible, everything I’d said about how this whole process actually brought me closer to God, not further away, had been disregarded. They only heard what they wanted to hear.
“We’re hurt that you didn’t come to us with this sooner,” my dad continued. “We would have loved to help you by sending you to a Love Won Out conference.10 We would have loved to walk through this with you. Even if you still arrived at the same decision, at least we would have known that we did everything we could to persuade you. But because you didn’t include us in your journey, it’s too late. You’ve already made up your mind.
“But you’re deeply deceived, Amber. Like Eve, you’ve eaten the fruit from Satan. You’ve gotten in with the wrong crowd and they’ve brainwashed you. You’re putting your soul in jeopardy. I’m afraid that you’re damning yourself to hell.”
My dad went on to compare me to murderers, pedophiles, and bestiality.
“If I want to just go and marry a donkey, is that okay? Or if I see a little kid and want to have sex with them, can I just go ahead and do that and act on whatever I feel? You could even get a bunch of murderers together to form their own church and just make that all okay!”
Their words shattered me. I was devastated by their attacks on me, their own daughter, and felt gravely misunderstood. I didn’t know what to say. I was tongue-tied and ill-equipped to handle such accusations. I never imagined I’d hear such horrible and harsh words from my own parents.
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I hopped off the stool where I waited for my cue and followed the engineer into the soundproof recording booth.
“Have a seat right here, honey. This microphone is for you,” he explained, walking over with me to help me get situated. I placed my script on the music stand in front of me and plopped myself down in the chair.
“Here are your headphones. Just put them on your ears like this,” he continued, as he adjusted the wide black strap across the top of my head and placed an earphone over each ear. They felt like a pair of winter earmuffs, only much heavier. My head bobbed at the weight of them, and the suction they created around my ears muted all sound, causing the world to go silent.
Then a loud, clear voice from within the earphones broke the dead air. The sound came from a man on the other side of the glass where the engineers sat in front of their mixing boards, ready to record.
“Okay, Amber, let’s test the microphone. Do you have your script?”
“Yes, but I already know my lines.” I smiled with pride. “Alright, then here we go!”
I was a home-schooled third-grader. When most kids visit their dad at work, they go to an office, or a storefront. I, on the other hand, was in a recording studio at the Focus on the Family headquarters in Colorado Springs where my dad worked as an executive. The script on the music stand in front of me was to another episode of the popular kids’ radio drama, “Adventures in Odyssey.” Venturing into the world of Whit’s End with characters like Mr. John Avery Whittaker, Connie Kendall, and Eugene Meltsner, a “world of discovery, imagination, and excitement” awaited all who listened.
I listened multiple times to every episode ever made. I knew them all by name, which cassette or CD package to find them on, and the story line of each. The episodes of “Adventures in Odyssey” helped me fall asleep at night, gauged the time remaining on a road trip, and made cleaning my room a little easier. The excitement of playing one of the characters was only matched by seeing the details of how the episodes were created. I loved watching the actors record, listening as the voice parts were mixed with music to create smooth transitions between scenes, and seeing how foley (the sound-effects) made the whole story come to life. But the “world of discovery, imagination, and excitement” didn’t just live within the fantasy of Whit’s End; it also lived within my everyday life—especially my home life. From the time I was very young, I was taught the utmost importance of one thing: family.
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(If you would like to view this video in ASL, go to AmberCantorna.com and hover over the “Donate” tab)
Dear Friend,
Five years ago this week, I sat my family down and spoke the three most terrifying words of my life: “I am gay.” Growing up in a fundamentalist, home-schooled, conservative Christian family with a father that’s been an executive at Focus on the Family for almost thirty years, speaking those three small words forever changed the course of my life. I faced instant rejection from those I loved the most and over time, I lost not only my relationship with my parents and only sibling, but also my extended family, many of my friends, my church, and my hometown. Sadly, their desire to be right won out over their ability to love. This amount of devastation sent me into a downward spiral of hopelessness and thoughts of suicide. I didn’t think I was going to survive until the end of 2012.
Now, as I mark this anniversary 5 years later, I am married to the love of my life and we are building our own family together in Denver, CO. Despite the continued grief I feel from the loss of my family and friends, I am more at peace, more free, and happier than I’ve ever been in my life.
But it’s not that way for everyone. Countless others still wrestle inside conservative families that tell them they can’t be both gay and Christian. My own journey through this pain has ignited a deep passion in me to help others, which is why I’m writing.
This week we are announcing the launch of a new non-profit organization called Beyond. Our mission is to walk alongside other LGBT people of faith and their loved ones who are struggling to resolve the conflict they feel between their faith and their (or their loved one’s) sexuality. We will also focus on creating conversations for change among parents, pastors, family, and friends so that those in the LGBT person’s closest circle of influence can become their strongest allies, rather than shun them out of fear.
Statistics show that gay, lesbian, and bisexual youth are 4x more likely to attempt suicide than their straight peers. And those coming from a rejecting family like mine are 8.4x more likely to attempt suicide. Not only that, but 40% of transgender people have reported attempting suicide, with most of them doing so before the age of 25. These numbers are astronomical which is why support from those they love can make all the difference for them between life and death.
I was so close to becoming one of those statistics. It’s only by the grace of God that I am still alive today. But with that gift of life comes a responsibility: a responsibility to be a voice for those who still can’t speak and a responsibility to create change in our culture so that LGBT people are more free and more safe to come out and be who they really are. That is why I founded Beyond.
This is where you come in! To get this non-profit off the ground, we need seed money. Our budget for this first year of ministry is $52,000. This will enable us to bring a message of hope to LGBT people all over the country. I believe that hearing personal stories is what transforms a culture and promotes change. Nothing is as powerful as seeing someone with your own eyes and hearing the story of how they made it through the very tragedy you are facing. As you may know, I spent this last year writing my own story in the form of a memoir. It’s titled Refocusing My Family: Coming Out, Being Cast Out, and Discovering the True Love of God and will release from Fortress Press on October 1st, 2017. I believe this will be a valuable resource to many and because I believe so strongly in the power of stories, I want to share my story with as many people as possible. To me, it has nothing to do with book sales. I couldn’t care less about that. To me, it’s about giving people a story they can relate to so they feel a little less isolated and a little more encouraged in their own personal journey. Sharing my story could be the difference between life and death for them. We currently have 16 cities across the U.S. and Canada that we’d like to travel to within the next year to share this message of hope through speaking engagements and events. Your financial gift will make that possible.
But we can’t do it without your help. If you know me, you know I hate asking for money, even when it’s for the most worthy cause. The only thing I hate more than asking for money is know that someone else’s life is on the line if I don’t. And that is the case today.
So as we launch this campaign this week, I’m asking you to dig deep and consider a generous donation to help get Beyond off the ground. I know that you share in my passion for reaching this demographic, which is why I specifically chose you to partner with me. While $52,000 feels like a lot to someone who hates fundraising, I am committed to this mission and know that together we can reach this goal. Because Beyond will be a 501(c)(3) organization, your gift is tax deductible to the fullest extent of the law and 100% of your gift will go towards helping LGBT people and their families find hope, healing, and freedom both in their faith and in their relationships with one another. Our goal for raising these funds is June 14th, 2017.
You can donate by clicking here. I am also offering incentives that correlate with certain giving levels. You can learn more by clicking this link! Please also consider sharing with your friends and on social media. Your help in spreading the word will make such a difference.
If you would like to discuss our mission, budget, or your financial contribution in more detail, you can contact me directly at 720-598-6903 or [email protected].
Thank you so much for your prayerful consideration in this endeavor. I look forward to hearing from you soon and thank you in advance for your generosity. Your contribution could save someone’s life this year.
Because LOVE Makes all the Difference,
Amber Cantorna
President/Founder of Beyond, Author of Refocusing My Family
18601 Green Valley Ranch Blvd, Ste 108-133
Denver, CO 80249
Phone: 720-598-6903
Email: [email protected]
Website: RefocusingBeyond.org
*To read more of Amber’s story click here. You can also sign up for her blog, and read more about Beyond at RefocusingBeyond.org.
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